The Weight of What Was

Once I spoke with fire,

words sharpened in scripture,

carved edges that cut more

than they ever healed.

I thought I was saving souls,

but I was wounding hearts.

I see it now,

the silence after my words,

the tears that fell in secret,

the bridges I burned

in the name of light.

I have gone back,

hands open, voice trembling,

to say l am sorry.

And though many turned away,

their pain too deep to accept

what little balm I could offer,

I honor their no.

It is sacred.

It is theirs.

Still, within me,

something has broken open,

a flood of compassion,

a river of empathy,

a love not bound by walls

nor fenced by fear.

My heart, once clenched,

is now an open field.

Yet I carry the echoes,

the harm I caused,

the ache I left behind.

Not as a chain,

but as a compass,

pointing me always

toward tenderness,

toward care,

toward the humanity

I once failed to see.

And so I walk forward,

not perfect,

not free of regret,

but honest,

with love spilling

from my hands,

my mouth,

my soul,

for every stranger,

for every scar,

for every chance

to choose gentleness

---

Inspiration for this poem:

I had been going through an emotional enema so to speak and one of the things I had buried away VERY deep was how I felt after leaving the church and doing my deconstruction. While I was in church I treated people like me (queer, non-xians, trans and so forth) horribly!! After my deconstruction, I tried to make amends with as many people as possible because I felt horrible. Most declined to accept my apology and I respect that.

I have worked though a lot to get to where I am today and these are some of the memories that drive me to be as empathetic, caring, loving, and compassionate person I am today because I never want to hurt anyone again (unless of course it is deserved like nazis) so I wrote this as part of my healing journey.