Not Enough

I measure days in apologies

how many times I’ve tried to rewrite myself,

to shrink my voice or soften my edges,

hoping that this time

I’ll be the version you want.

Every mirror is a trial:

what did I say, what did I miss,

what silent weight did I bring to the room?

My thoughts loop in endless questions,

each answer a knot pulled tighter.

People glide by,

untethered, confident

I watch their easy laughter from afar,

wondering how it feels

to exist without second-guessing every breath.

Suspended between longing and doubt,

I count the ways I fall short,

bracing for the moment I become too much,

or not quite enough,

the guest at the edge of every gathering.

Is it possible to belong

to carve out a place in this world

where I am more than tolerated,

where I am wanted

where I can finally silence the voice that says

I am not worthy of love?

All I want

is to rest in the quiet certainty

that lam enough

not someday, not in someone else’s eyes,

but here, now,

in the unsteady light of my own becoming.

This was written as part of my purging path .. letting go of the old me and my old emotions.